Challenging times

I have not written in a little while. At first, there were Christmas holidays, and then the busy-ness of the new year started. And I simply did not feel like writing.

I really appreciate that I am not doing this process on my own, and that I have the monthly group meetings to look forward to. Usually the last week before each class is the most difficult one. I seem to completely lose motivation and honestly feel like giving it all up. Meeting everyone again and learning all the new and fascinating things about eyesight inspires me again for a few weeks each time. I really think this is the reason why I stopped the routines last time I tried to learn all of this on my own - finding people that believe in what you are trying to achieve and can cheer you up along the way is important in most challenges, and it really applies to eyesight improvement. Especially, as it seems to be one of those subjects that everyone around needs to be persuaded about - that it works, that it is possible - and it is not an easy task when one is trying to keep themselves motivated.

The last weekend with the group, however, was quite tricky. I had had a very busy week at work, so by the time the weekend came, I felt a lot of tension in my eyes, neck and entire back. It has not been easy for me to take the glasses off and try to manage multiple complex spreadsheets without feeling tense. There are days when I can use pinhole glasses and enjoy slowing down and taking lots of breaks, but sometimes it just doesn't work - like when I have to do lots and need to do it quickly. In any case, I talked to our course supervisor about it. I was not prepared for my reaction to her gentleness and compassion about this. All of a sudden during our little private conversation I had tears filling up my eyes. She simply explained that the WHOLE POINT of natural eyesight improvement is relaxing the eyes, therefore, that needs to be a priority no matter what, even if that means a few days during the week with reduced strength glasses or contact lens. It's hard to explain but it felt like one of those moments of having my experience and feelings completely validated, as if someone was giving me a complete permission slip to feel relaxed and OK about all of it. It is so beautiful when other people somehow allow us to do something that we are unwilling to allow ourselves.

And that has made all of the difference. Everything feels more balanced somehow. There are moments in the day when I am perfectly happy to enjoy more blurry view and accept what is, but then I also have days when I use my reduced strength contacts and feel so happy and enjoy the clarity - like seeing all the beauty of Hobbit in cinema, or our dog's hair while cleaning the house. The journey continues on.

Holiday rest

I had a wonderful break over the festive season. It was so incredible to not travel for holidays for what felt like the first time in years, I had forgotten how nice it is to just be at home. On average, I would say I slept extra 3 hours per day which was so restful and relaxing. The rest of the days were spent eating delicious foods, going for walks, and playing board games with my family.

Compared to my usual working week, I hardly spent any time in front of the computer, and despite not following any intense eye routines, my eyesight felt more rested and relaxed. My small practices during the day are to do some palming, sunning, long swings, a few minutes of shifting, and upon noticing that my eyes are tired, trying to relax the face and the gaze. I also wear pinhole glasses when I use computer or watch TV,

The relaxation I felt over the last couple of weeks is slowly waning now that I am back to work since the beginning of this week. Today when we went for a walk in evening light, I had a sort of 'down' moment thinking that perhaps the whole challenge is too big for my eyesight. I have no problem believing that others can do it or that in theory this is possible and works, but somehow today I was having doubts as to whether I can achieve this. There was nearly a moment of resigning that perhaps in my case and with my lifestyle and job that requires a lot of tension in front of the screen, the changes will be smaller and just enough that I can sort of feel comfortable navigating the world mostly without glasses. It felt difficult to imagine seeing it all with perfect clarity and focus naturally, when this is not something that I have any memories of.

One of the things that is difficult to balance for me is having different eye routines without them becoming laws or strict to-do-list because I know that such tension will not bring relaxation to my eyes. I am also still struggling to engage with the eye chart. Despite our professors saying that it is one of the most important tools for eyesight improvement and relaxation, I am not feeling any draw towards it, and don't really spend significant amounts of time with it (I have a few copies of them plastered in areas where I pass by and can occasionally glance towards).

I know that I don't always feel like that. There genuinely are sunny beautiful days when it seems I am so close to 'mastering it', as everything looks so vivid and clear. I am grateful that every time I feel a little down with the process, I have an opportunity to connect with all my fellow students and professors face to face. It is always such a great support and a boost to my motivation to continue with all these new habits even when it feels like the challenge is too big. Let's see what happens at the course this weekend!