Vision for life

One of the most surprising things that has happened since I started writing my blog (tolovewhatis.blogspot.com.es, which is where I am re-posting this story from), is that the more I become open to the idea of being present and mindful with the most challenging moments of my day, the more amazing experiences seem to resurface precisely from those areas of my life that I find most difficult to accept and enjoy.

Eyesight is one of such areas in my life and I had a very powerful example of transforming this challenge into something beautiful at my last natural vision improvement class. We had a guided meditation exercise which involved us physically walking forwards and backwards on a line drawn on the floor which represented our life. The goal was to move between the future (the moment when clear vision is achieved) and the past (the moment when we consciously or not made the decision not to see the world around us clearly), and meet with our future and past selves to gain insights for clear vision and release blocks holding us back against it. All of this was done with a support of a guide that helped each one of us along the way by being a present witnesses of this process.

This is what the moment of when I see with total clarity looked like.
   My future version is so happy, free and smiley. I have a healthy body, great posture without any tension, straight back and clear vision. I hold my head in a relaxed but well-aligned way. I receive compliments about how healthy and sparkly my eyes appear. I have even more confidence in the magical powers of my body. Yoga continues to be among my daily routines and rituals. My movements are flowing. I am so content with everything that I have been able to learn through the process, and it is wonderful to be able to share this story with others to inspire them to improve their vision. I feel even more open to what is possible because I have arrived at something that many say is impossible to achieve. My family and close friends are proud of the changes they see in me. I am also proud of what I have achieved. I spend less time working in front of the computer and I am doing something that I absolutely adore. My work is very creative and engages my mind and my hands. I continue to enjoy writing. I smile a lot and I see the world with curiosity. I can see faces clearly and I am surrounded by people that I enjoy my time with. I am open to strangers approaching me as I no longer have the fear of misunderstanding their expressions. I am open, attentive and connected to everyone that I engage with. There is a lot of warm physical contact. I am one of those people that I myself love to meet who make you happy the instant you get to know them. It seems like I have always been that way, but my own insecurities did not let me see it. There is an ease and comfort in how I relate to the world and that feels great. Even simple daily tasks like cooking or reading are more enjoyable. I feel more present and connected with all that surrounds me. Moments of introspection and introversion are there for me to enjoy when I choose them but there is no need to hide in them from perceived insecurity, noise or nuisance of the world. It is easy for me to make decisions. It is also easy to talk to others about the self-imposed limits that we set ourselves, because I have positive personal experiences of changing that. I still live in Spain and continue enjoying the abundance of sunshine. I am wearing light feminine summer clothes and I feel the wind gently combing through my long hair. 

During the meditative journey to the past, here is what I saw when I returned to the moment of when the clarity of my vision was disrupted.
   I am six and I am sitting on my parents' bed in their bedroom. There is an electronic clock with bright blue-green numbers in front of me (this clock was made by my father who is an engineer). The room is full of bookshelves stuffed with books. I am alone at home and will need to leave for school in 20 minutes. I am reading. I have been able to read since I was 3.5 and I already hold a library membership card. I can read really really well and I would love to be able to spend the day doing that. I am spending the remaining minutes before school competing with myself - how fast I can finish a page or a line.  I am aware that the numbers on the bright clock in front of me a not perfectly clear. Not as clear as the pages that I am reading. I do not want to go to school as I would prefer to stay at home and keep reading. I find the desk uncomfortable at school and the teacher is constantly nagging me about my posture. She says girls should keep their legs together rather than sticking one out of the desk like I do. I do not see the blackboard very well. I am not sure that I want to. I find the learning process boring and stiff. Even our break time is timed and controlled. I also feel like I need to prove something to someone. Maybe to the teacher, so that she would stop commenting about how I sit. I can impress others with how well I read. I adore handwriting and find my eyes glued to the point where the nib touches the paper. I am aware it feels like a present moment because there are letters that have already happened and blank lines is where the future text will appear. I like tasks that involve looking nearby and that I can do at my own pace. I do not like doing things I do not want to do and that happens a lot at school. 

The next step of the guided meditation process was to examine whether in that moment when the vision was disrupted we truly had a choice about our circumstances, and whether there was really anything else that we could have done instead. The key point was to be open to the possibility that everything happened the way it had to happen and that nobody is to blame for it. It's beautiful to see it this way. I do not know now whether in a different country at a different time with an alternative schooling option I would have had the same experiences. Probably not. I probably would have thrived as an eager learner and would have engaged with learning in a joyful and more relaxed way. But in this particular timeline it did not happen. My parents made the best decision they could make. And I made the best decision I could make - to keep myself safe and cocooned in a world that is less edgy and less strictly defined.

The key puzzle piece in all of this is accepting that perhaps the past versions of ourselves did not have the same wisdom, resources and understanding that we have now, in the present moment. So even if I would not necessarily make the same - conscious or unconscious - decision now, as a child, I did not have the same insights that I have now. During the guided meditation we were asked to think about what these resources were for us and return to those situations in our lives where they were gained. For me, the key three strengths that I now have as an adult are 1) greater awareness that everything is well in each moment when we are fully present; 2) realization that inner peace about who I am releases outer pressures and tensions (when I feel peaceful the world is peaceful around me); 3) the knowing that through my thoughts and reactions I create my own version of reality.

The most powerful part of the meditation for me before returning to the present moment was going back to face the past version of myself and imagining giving myself as a gift those key strengths or resources that I now have. This meditative moment of my adult self meeting my inner child self will stay with me as one of the most magical experiences I have ever had. Seen from the eyes of an adult - here I am this tiny little 6 year old girl - so absolutely beautiful and perfect in every way. I am amazed at my own drive, eagerness to learn and desire to succeed at such a young age. I am absolutely overwhelmed with love and affection. I stoop down to her eye level and give her the biggest hug. The possibility to see my adult self through the eyes of my 6-year-old self was equally incredible. Here I am, so grown up and so perfect, the way nice aunties appear on their wedding day. I stare at myself with utter admiration and some shyness because I really want to be comforted and held by this woman. And then she hugs me. In all the versions of myself (including the one doing the exercise) I had tears streaming down my face.

As the two versions of ourselves converged and the meditation came to the close, I was left with a feeling of huge release and of knowing that both the past and the future can change and do change when we place our awareness and attention on where they merge - the present - or the point of where the nib touches the paper and where the story is still taking shape. Or as my beloved author Terry Pratchett puts it:

“(...) the universe is, instant by instant, re-created anew. Therefore (...) there is, in truth, no Past, only a memory of the Past. Blink your eyes, and the world you see next did not exist when you closed them. Therefore (...) the only appropriate state of the mind is surprise. The only appropriate state of the heart is joy. The sky you see now, you have never seen before. The perfect moment is now. Be glad of it.” ― Terry Pratchett

Psychology of shortsightedness

Today was a really good day. It started with me having to wake up early to go to the natural vision class. Since our previous get-together which featured the subject of movement, I feel like something has shifted. It's not even so much that I do much more in terms of any particular "exercises" but rather about seeing my vision in a different light. I noticed this morning how much more aware I am of the constant apparent movement of the world around me as I walk, for example. Or that I seem to notice colours more vividly - my eyes seem to be constantly searching for objects of different colours. Also, it just feels like it's easier to connect with my vision, that I don't just switch off and return to my thoughts when I am outside, but rather engage with the world around me in a more curious way. My favourite feeling is, however, that somehow my eyes seem to 'grasp' less, in other words, I seem to allow more for things to arrive to be seen rather than make the effort to constantly see. It makes the process of seeing more relaxing and enjoyable.

Talking to fellow students was also really nice today. I got a compliment from one of them that my eyes seemed alive and with lots of movement, something which is not typical for those with shortsightedness. Their eyes usually tend to be slow and the vision rather fixed. Among other good news was that one of our students who has quite an advanced case of shortsightedness has checked her eyesight recently and found out that both of her eyes had improved by over a dioptre! That's a huge achievement and very inspiring for us as a group.

After such a nice start to the day, things could only get better. We dived into the fascinating subject of the psychology of vision. Naturally, the most interesting part for me was the psychology of shortsightedness, most of which really resonated with me. In case of interest to anyone else, below is the summary of some of the most fascinating points from our class today:

• Interestingly, shortsightedness is a relatively recent phenomenon. It begins to be talked about in 1600s mostly among the noble families, as it is often related to lack of free body movement and detailed work at short distances. The problem begins to become more common with the development of the current education system and kids having to be stiff to absorb new information in enclosed spaces. The last 150 years, and especially, the last two decades have been incredibly intense visually. If in 1910 during the lifetime of Dr. Bates in the U.S. 4-5% of the population had a problem with shortsightedness, now this figure is over 40%. In some countries, like South Korea or Taiwan, this statistic is closer to 80%.
• There is a hypothesis suggesting that propensity for visual problems develops during the first 2 months of a baby's life. This is particularly relevant to the topic of breastfeeding as it is a moment of profound connection for the mother and the baby and an intense exchange of visual and other sensory information between the two. The change from one breast to another encourages the development of each eye separately, and their coordinated work together. Should this relationship be interrupted or not be possible, there is a tendency for the baby to close off from the world around her and perceive the world as less safe.
• Similarly, it is suggested that moms who wear glasses should remove them during breastfeeding as they introduce a barrier of this amazing information exchange and feedback of subtle facial and eye clues expressing various emotions. Apparently, even adults tend to read the emotions on the faces of people with glasses somewhat less well than without glasses. After all, we remove glasses during other moments of intimacy. 
• Shortsighted people have the tendency to close themselves off internally, to pull inwards, even to feel paralysed (like in a stressful situation of being interrogated by an angry teacher). This can be apparent in situations where a myope (a shortsighted person) is forced to make a decision quickly. A typical response is often a "freeze" and a need to think through before acting. 
• Especially during childhood, myopes tend to be quite timid and shy. They tend to look for peace and tranquility as the world appears to be too noisy, too rough or even dangerous. 
• It is quite difficult for myopes to really really relax.
• They tend to comply with school at the end, as they accept that escape is not possible. 
• They often feel that the world is demanding from them things they do not want to do. 
• They tend to have difficulty in making decisions.
• In relationships, myopes have a tendency to be slow but steady and seek depth. 
• Shortsightedness is related to the sentiment of not being good enough, not being able to do something perfectly, often times the myopes might push themselves to perfection or feel pushed by authority figures to perform better. They also often devalue their achievements. 
• Getting used to glasses can be easy because the glasses introduce a barrier between them and the world, including making everything seem a little further and a little smaller. Unfortunately, glasses also allow the possibility to see things they don't want to see. Without glasses, it is easy for them to feel vulnerable and without control of what is around them.
• Myopic lens allow the perception that it is possible to see everything equally well at the same time, when, in fact, a healthy human eye works with the principle of centralization - or constant shifting of attention to receive more information and clarity from the point on which it is focused. Therefore, myopic glasses contribute to further formation of a negative visual habit of diffusing and fixating the vision.

I think this is fascinating and I found that a lot of these tendencies were true for me. Tomorrow we continue with an psychological exercise of looking into our life timeline, visiting points critical to vision, and meeting our inner child. I will share if something interesting comes up! 

Moving on

Over the last few weeks, I didn't feel like I was making a lot of progress with my vision in any way, and various factors played a role in this. We had a longer break between the natural vision improvement classes that I am doing with the group, and I really missed the inspiring energy and motivation that I always get from them. Winter has also meant that even here, in Spain, there has been less sunshine, and with cold weather I spent more time indoors. Work has been very busy and has kept me glued to the laptop screen, rarely remembering to take breaks or relax. I kept struggling to find the balance between using my contacts and glasses when I need them (like while using computer) and wearing only pinhole glasses (which seemed to create relaxation in the eyes but tension in my neck and back as my posture was not exactly ideal). 

Nonetheless, despite a few unproductive weeks vision-wise, I feel newly inspired and back on track. There was a number of really interesting discoveries that I have made about my vision during this time. For the first time ever, an old memory returned of me being very young and enjoying my vision. I recall the world as it appeared to me through the window of a moving bus during one of the journeys with my mom. It felt safe and simple because I had my mom with me, and so exciting and fascinating at the same time. I remember feeling mesmerized with objects passing by the bus at different speeds and marveling at how things far away seemed to hardly move and yet those nearby would pass by in a flash. The world looked so full of movement and so alive in ways that it continues to be, but not always as observed by me. It is a very beautiful and important memory for me, because I think we can use strong feelings imprinted in past experiences to relive and recreate them in the present moment. Interestingly enough, this memory came back just before the last weekend's class during which we solely focused on movement, but a little later about that.

Speaking of past memories being imprinted in us, I had another interesting experience during a private session with one of my professors. In terms of techniques and practices, it was a good session to repeat what I was mostly familiar with. A particular approach that really struck chord with me was perhaps for the first time ever consciously connecting my emotions about observing an object and locating them as physical sensations within my body. A good example of that was sitting down in front of an eye chart which for many people with history of visual challenges represents all horrors and discomfort combined in one piece of paper. Consciously or not, it brings back memories of countless eye tests and appointments which ranged from uncomfortable to humiliating. It makes one feel helpless, never good enough, and yet unable to understand that this is perhaps one of the few areas in life where trying harder only makes things worse (i.e. trying to see 'more' or 'better' only creates more tension in the eyes which results in poorer vision). 

So here I was in front of an eye chart, and my professor asked me to observe how I felt - emotionally, which for me ranged somewhere between discomfort and mild fear even though I fully realized that the chart was not in any way dangerous; as well as physically, which manifested as a ball of tension around my diaphragm and as weight on my shoulders. I think that one of the most wonderful approaches to pretty much everything in life is curiosity, so instead of seeing something as a problem, the idea is to get curious about it and to ask questions. This worked so beautifully during that practice - just observing curiously the different emotions and sensations within my mind and body as I was looking at the eye chart - how did it all change, for example, when I focused on my breath, or sounds in the room, or temperature of my body, or when I sat more comfortably, or closed my eyes, or when I put my hand on my belly. It was fascinating that it did change, and the more I relaxed my mind into this non-judgmental curiosity, the more my body relaxed into comfort and, in turn, the clearer the eye chart appeared to be. I really really enjoyed making this connection, and it will be something that I will experiment and check in with more often.

Finally, the class last weekend was great. I am really enjoying connecting with and getting to know the group that I have embarked on this journey with. We still have 6 months to go, and it's been wonderful to hear about people already making progress and discoveries about their vision. For all of us a great inspiration comes from last year's students who can join the classes if they feel like they need to refresh their memory about a particular topic. It is so wonderful to hear from them about how much their visual habits changed during the course, and how many of them have stopped needing glasses in their daily lives. 

As I mentioned above, the topic of the weekend was movement - with the key focus on apparent or perceived movement, which is very related to my memory of being little and seeing static objects move in relation to each other while passing them by. Our eyes, when they are healthy, can do this even with the tiniest of things, like a letter symbol while reading - constantly vibrating and swinging while following something of interest. Without interest there is no movement, and without movement there is no vision. Unfortunately, the opposite is true, eyes with poor vision often lack movement, and, in turn, the person might feel disconnected from or disinterested in the world around, resigning to 'it's all blurry anyway and there is nothing to see'. Therefore, one of the key first steps in improved vision is, once again, becoming curious, even if it is about a shadow or blurry spot or particular colour in the distance. Curiosity and interest guide the eyes and the head to follow the object with movement and create a reason for the brain to focus better. 

We spent the entire weekend trying out various practices and techniques that encourage the eyes to move and observe movement while remaining as relaxed as possible. This was exactly what I needed and yet at the same time it felt like one of the most tiring weekends ever, simply because this is not a natural habit for my eyes. I managed to feel more relaxed in some of the practices, including finally feeling like I got what long swing technique is all about (despite practicing it with very little interest for a few months). After two days, I could really notice the difference in my eyesight - just walking along the street I was amazed at how vivid the colours appeared and how much movement was around me. How fascinating and beautiful the world must appear to people with good vision! As it works the other way around too, perhaps a good starting place for me is returning more often to and cultivate again the childhood fascination with the world around me.   

Challenging times

I have not written in a little while. At first, there were Christmas holidays, and then the busy-ness of the new year started. And I simply did not feel like writing.

I really appreciate that I am not doing this process on my own, and that I have the monthly group meetings to look forward to. Usually the last week before each class is the most difficult one. I seem to completely lose motivation and honestly feel like giving it all up. Meeting everyone again and learning all the new and fascinating things about eyesight inspires me again for a few weeks each time. I really think this is the reason why I stopped the routines last time I tried to learn all of this on my own - finding people that believe in what you are trying to achieve and can cheer you up along the way is important in most challenges, and it really applies to eyesight improvement. Especially, as it seems to be one of those subjects that everyone around needs to be persuaded about - that it works, that it is possible - and it is not an easy task when one is trying to keep themselves motivated.

The last weekend with the group, however, was quite tricky. I had had a very busy week at work, so by the time the weekend came, I felt a lot of tension in my eyes, neck and entire back. It has not been easy for me to take the glasses off and try to manage multiple complex spreadsheets without feeling tense. There are days when I can use pinhole glasses and enjoy slowing down and taking lots of breaks, but sometimes it just doesn't work - like when I have to do lots and need to do it quickly. In any case, I talked to our course supervisor about it. I was not prepared for my reaction to her gentleness and compassion about this. All of a sudden during our little private conversation I had tears filling up my eyes. She simply explained that the WHOLE POINT of natural eyesight improvement is relaxing the eyes, therefore, that needs to be a priority no matter what, even if that means a few days during the week with reduced strength glasses or contact lens. It's hard to explain but it felt like one of those moments of having my experience and feelings completely validated, as if someone was giving me a complete permission slip to feel relaxed and OK about all of it. It is so beautiful when other people somehow allow us to do something that we are unwilling to allow ourselves.

And that has made all of the difference. Everything feels more balanced somehow. There are moments in the day when I am perfectly happy to enjoy more blurry view and accept what is, but then I also have days when I use my reduced strength contacts and feel so happy and enjoy the clarity - like seeing all the beauty of Hobbit in cinema, or our dog's hair while cleaning the house. The journey continues on.

Holiday rest

I had a wonderful break over the festive season. It was so incredible to not travel for holidays for what felt like the first time in years, I had forgotten how nice it is to just be at home. On average, I would say I slept extra 3 hours per day which was so restful and relaxing. The rest of the days were spent eating delicious foods, going for walks, and playing board games with my family.

Compared to my usual working week, I hardly spent any time in front of the computer, and despite not following any intense eye routines, my eyesight felt more rested and relaxed. My small practices during the day are to do some palming, sunning, long swings, a few minutes of shifting, and upon noticing that my eyes are tired, trying to relax the face and the gaze. I also wear pinhole glasses when I use computer or watch TV,

The relaxation I felt over the last couple of weeks is slowly waning now that I am back to work since the beginning of this week. Today when we went for a walk in evening light, I had a sort of 'down' moment thinking that perhaps the whole challenge is too big for my eyesight. I have no problem believing that others can do it or that in theory this is possible and works, but somehow today I was having doubts as to whether I can achieve this. There was nearly a moment of resigning that perhaps in my case and with my lifestyle and job that requires a lot of tension in front of the screen, the changes will be smaller and just enough that I can sort of feel comfortable navigating the world mostly without glasses. It felt difficult to imagine seeing it all with perfect clarity and focus naturally, when this is not something that I have any memories of.

One of the things that is difficult to balance for me is having different eye routines without them becoming laws or strict to-do-list because I know that such tension will not bring relaxation to my eyes. I am also still struggling to engage with the eye chart. Despite our professors saying that it is one of the most important tools for eyesight improvement and relaxation, I am not feeling any draw towards it, and don't really spend significant amounts of time with it (I have a few copies of them plastered in areas where I pass by and can occasionally glance towards).

I know that I don't always feel like that. There genuinely are sunny beautiful days when it seems I am so close to 'mastering it', as everything looks so vivid and clear. I am grateful that every time I feel a little down with the process, I have an opportunity to connect with all my fellow students and professors face to face. It is always such a great support and a boost to my motivation to continue with all these new habits even when it feels like the challenge is too big. Let's see what happens at the course this weekend!