Psychology of shortsightedness

Today was a really good day. It started with me having to wake up early to go to the natural vision class. Since our previous get-together which featured the subject of movement, I feel like something has shifted. It's not even so much that I do much more in terms of any particular "exercises" but rather about seeing my vision in a different light. I noticed this morning how much more aware I am of the constant apparent movement of the world around me as I walk, for example. Or that I seem to notice colours more vividly - my eyes seem to be constantly searching for objects of different colours. Also, it just feels like it's easier to connect with my vision, that I don't just switch off and return to my thoughts when I am outside, but rather engage with the world around me in a more curious way. My favourite feeling is, however, that somehow my eyes seem to 'grasp' less, in other words, I seem to allow more for things to arrive to be seen rather than make the effort to constantly see. It makes the process of seeing more relaxing and enjoyable.

Talking to fellow students was also really nice today. I got a compliment from one of them that my eyes seemed alive and with lots of movement, something which is not typical for those with shortsightedness. Their eyes usually tend to be slow and the vision rather fixed. Among other good news was that one of our students who has quite an advanced case of shortsightedness has checked her eyesight recently and found out that both of her eyes had improved by over a dioptre! That's a huge achievement and very inspiring for us as a group.

After such a nice start to the day, things could only get better. We dived into the fascinating subject of the psychology of vision. Naturally, the most interesting part for me was the psychology of shortsightedness, most of which really resonated with me. In case of interest to anyone else, below is the summary of some of the most fascinating points from our class today:

• Interestingly, shortsightedness is a relatively recent phenomenon. It begins to be talked about in 1600s mostly among the noble families, as it is often related to lack of free body movement and detailed work at short distances. The problem begins to become more common with the development of the current education system and kids having to be stiff to absorb new information in enclosed spaces. The last 150 years, and especially, the last two decades have been incredibly intense visually. If in 1910 during the lifetime of Dr. Bates in the U.S. 4-5% of the population had a problem with shortsightedness, now this figure is over 40%. In some countries, like South Korea or Taiwan, this statistic is closer to 80%.
• There is a hypothesis suggesting that propensity for visual problems develops during the first 2 months of a baby's life. This is particularly relevant to the topic of breastfeeding as it is a moment of profound connection for the mother and the baby and an intense exchange of visual and other sensory information between the two. The change from one breast to another encourages the development of each eye separately, and their coordinated work together. Should this relationship be interrupted or not be possible, there is a tendency for the baby to close off from the world around her and perceive the world as less safe.
• Similarly, it is suggested that moms who wear glasses should remove them during breastfeeding as they introduce a barrier of this amazing information exchange and feedback of subtle facial and eye clues expressing various emotions. Apparently, even adults tend to read the emotions on the faces of people with glasses somewhat less well than without glasses. After all, we remove glasses during other moments of intimacy. 
• Shortsighted people have the tendency to close themselves off internally, to pull inwards, even to feel paralysed (like in a stressful situation of being interrogated by an angry teacher). This can be apparent in situations where a myope (a shortsighted person) is forced to make a decision quickly. A typical response is often a "freeze" and a need to think through before acting. 
• Especially during childhood, myopes tend to be quite timid and shy. They tend to look for peace and tranquility as the world appears to be too noisy, too rough or even dangerous. 
• It is quite difficult for myopes to really really relax.
• They tend to comply with school at the end, as they accept that escape is not possible. 
• They often feel that the world is demanding from them things they do not want to do. 
• They tend to have difficulty in making decisions.
• In relationships, myopes have a tendency to be slow but steady and seek depth. 
• Shortsightedness is related to the sentiment of not being good enough, not being able to do something perfectly, often times the myopes might push themselves to perfection or feel pushed by authority figures to perform better. They also often devalue their achievements. 
• Getting used to glasses can be easy because the glasses introduce a barrier between them and the world, including making everything seem a little further and a little smaller. Unfortunately, glasses also allow the possibility to see things they don't want to see. Without glasses, it is easy for them to feel vulnerable and without control of what is around them.
• Myopic lens allow the perception that it is possible to see everything equally well at the same time, when, in fact, a healthy human eye works with the principle of centralization - or constant shifting of attention to receive more information and clarity from the point on which it is focused. Therefore, myopic glasses contribute to further formation of a negative visual habit of diffusing and fixating the vision.

I think this is fascinating and I found that a lot of these tendencies were true for me. Tomorrow we continue with an psychological exercise of looking into our life timeline, visiting points critical to vision, and meeting our inner child. I will share if something interesting comes up! 

Moving on

Over the last few weeks, I didn't feel like I was making a lot of progress with my vision in any way, and various factors played a role in this. We had a longer break between the natural vision improvement classes that I am doing with the group, and I really missed the inspiring energy and motivation that I always get from them. Winter has also meant that even here, in Spain, there has been less sunshine, and with cold weather I spent more time indoors. Work has been very busy and has kept me glued to the laptop screen, rarely remembering to take breaks or relax. I kept struggling to find the balance between using my contacts and glasses when I need them (like while using computer) and wearing only pinhole glasses (which seemed to create relaxation in the eyes but tension in my neck and back as my posture was not exactly ideal). 

Nonetheless, despite a few unproductive weeks vision-wise, I feel newly inspired and back on track. There was a number of really interesting discoveries that I have made about my vision during this time. For the first time ever, an old memory returned of me being very young and enjoying my vision. I recall the world as it appeared to me through the window of a moving bus during one of the journeys with my mom. It felt safe and simple because I had my mom with me, and so exciting and fascinating at the same time. I remember feeling mesmerized with objects passing by the bus at different speeds and marveling at how things far away seemed to hardly move and yet those nearby would pass by in a flash. The world looked so full of movement and so alive in ways that it continues to be, but not always as observed by me. It is a very beautiful and important memory for me, because I think we can use strong feelings imprinted in past experiences to relive and recreate them in the present moment. Interestingly enough, this memory came back just before the last weekend's class during which we solely focused on movement, but a little later about that.

Speaking of past memories being imprinted in us, I had another interesting experience during a private session with one of my professors. In terms of techniques and practices, it was a good session to repeat what I was mostly familiar with. A particular approach that really struck chord with me was perhaps for the first time ever consciously connecting my emotions about observing an object and locating them as physical sensations within my body. A good example of that was sitting down in front of an eye chart which for many people with history of visual challenges represents all horrors and discomfort combined in one piece of paper. Consciously or not, it brings back memories of countless eye tests and appointments which ranged from uncomfortable to humiliating. It makes one feel helpless, never good enough, and yet unable to understand that this is perhaps one of the few areas in life where trying harder only makes things worse (i.e. trying to see 'more' or 'better' only creates more tension in the eyes which results in poorer vision). 

So here I was in front of an eye chart, and my professor asked me to observe how I felt - emotionally, which for me ranged somewhere between discomfort and mild fear even though I fully realized that the chart was not in any way dangerous; as well as physically, which manifested as a ball of tension around my diaphragm and as weight on my shoulders. I think that one of the most wonderful approaches to pretty much everything in life is curiosity, so instead of seeing something as a problem, the idea is to get curious about it and to ask questions. This worked so beautifully during that practice - just observing curiously the different emotions and sensations within my mind and body as I was looking at the eye chart - how did it all change, for example, when I focused on my breath, or sounds in the room, or temperature of my body, or when I sat more comfortably, or closed my eyes, or when I put my hand on my belly. It was fascinating that it did change, and the more I relaxed my mind into this non-judgmental curiosity, the more my body relaxed into comfort and, in turn, the clearer the eye chart appeared to be. I really really enjoyed making this connection, and it will be something that I will experiment and check in with more often.

Finally, the class last weekend was great. I am really enjoying connecting with and getting to know the group that I have embarked on this journey with. We still have 6 months to go, and it's been wonderful to hear about people already making progress and discoveries about their vision. For all of us a great inspiration comes from last year's students who can join the classes if they feel like they need to refresh their memory about a particular topic. It is so wonderful to hear from them about how much their visual habits changed during the course, and how many of them have stopped needing glasses in their daily lives. 

As I mentioned above, the topic of the weekend was movement - with the key focus on apparent or perceived movement, which is very related to my memory of being little and seeing static objects move in relation to each other while passing them by. Our eyes, when they are healthy, can do this even with the tiniest of things, like a letter symbol while reading - constantly vibrating and swinging while following something of interest. Without interest there is no movement, and without movement there is no vision. Unfortunately, the opposite is true, eyes with poor vision often lack movement, and, in turn, the person might feel disconnected from or disinterested in the world around, resigning to 'it's all blurry anyway and there is nothing to see'. Therefore, one of the key first steps in improved vision is, once again, becoming curious, even if it is about a shadow or blurry spot or particular colour in the distance. Curiosity and interest guide the eyes and the head to follow the object with movement and create a reason for the brain to focus better. 

We spent the entire weekend trying out various practices and techniques that encourage the eyes to move and observe movement while remaining as relaxed as possible. This was exactly what I needed and yet at the same time it felt like one of the most tiring weekends ever, simply because this is not a natural habit for my eyes. I managed to feel more relaxed in some of the practices, including finally feeling like I got what long swing technique is all about (despite practicing it with very little interest for a few months). After two days, I could really notice the difference in my eyesight - just walking along the street I was amazed at how vivid the colours appeared and how much movement was around me. How fascinating and beautiful the world must appear to people with good vision! As it works the other way around too, perhaps a good starting place for me is returning more often to and cultivate again the childhood fascination with the world around me.   

Challenging times

I have not written in a little while. At first, there were Christmas holidays, and then the busy-ness of the new year started. And I simply did not feel like writing.

I really appreciate that I am not doing this process on my own, and that I have the monthly group meetings to look forward to. Usually the last week before each class is the most difficult one. I seem to completely lose motivation and honestly feel like giving it all up. Meeting everyone again and learning all the new and fascinating things about eyesight inspires me again for a few weeks each time. I really think this is the reason why I stopped the routines last time I tried to learn all of this on my own - finding people that believe in what you are trying to achieve and can cheer you up along the way is important in most challenges, and it really applies to eyesight improvement. Especially, as it seems to be one of those subjects that everyone around needs to be persuaded about - that it works, that it is possible - and it is not an easy task when one is trying to keep themselves motivated.

The last weekend with the group, however, was quite tricky. I had had a very busy week at work, so by the time the weekend came, I felt a lot of tension in my eyes, neck and entire back. It has not been easy for me to take the glasses off and try to manage multiple complex spreadsheets without feeling tense. There are days when I can use pinhole glasses and enjoy slowing down and taking lots of breaks, but sometimes it just doesn't work - like when I have to do lots and need to do it quickly. In any case, I talked to our course supervisor about it. I was not prepared for my reaction to her gentleness and compassion about this. All of a sudden during our little private conversation I had tears filling up my eyes. She simply explained that the WHOLE POINT of natural eyesight improvement is relaxing the eyes, therefore, that needs to be a priority no matter what, even if that means a few days during the week with reduced strength glasses or contact lens. It's hard to explain but it felt like one of those moments of having my experience and feelings completely validated, as if someone was giving me a complete permission slip to feel relaxed and OK about all of it. It is so beautiful when other people somehow allow us to do something that we are unwilling to allow ourselves.

And that has made all of the difference. Everything feels more balanced somehow. There are moments in the day when I am perfectly happy to enjoy more blurry view and accept what is, but then I also have days when I use my reduced strength contacts and feel so happy and enjoy the clarity - like seeing all the beauty of Hobbit in cinema, or our dog's hair while cleaning the house. The journey continues on.

Holiday rest

I had a wonderful break over the festive season. It was so incredible to not travel for holidays for what felt like the first time in years, I had forgotten how nice it is to just be at home. On average, I would say I slept extra 3 hours per day which was so restful and relaxing. The rest of the days were spent eating delicious foods, going for walks, and playing board games with my family.

Compared to my usual working week, I hardly spent any time in front of the computer, and despite not following any intense eye routines, my eyesight felt more rested and relaxed. My small practices during the day are to do some palming, sunning, long swings, a few minutes of shifting, and upon noticing that my eyes are tired, trying to relax the face and the gaze. I also wear pinhole glasses when I use computer or watch TV,

The relaxation I felt over the last couple of weeks is slowly waning now that I am back to work since the beginning of this week. Today when we went for a walk in evening light, I had a sort of 'down' moment thinking that perhaps the whole challenge is too big for my eyesight. I have no problem believing that others can do it or that in theory this is possible and works, but somehow today I was having doubts as to whether I can achieve this. There was nearly a moment of resigning that perhaps in my case and with my lifestyle and job that requires a lot of tension in front of the screen, the changes will be smaller and just enough that I can sort of feel comfortable navigating the world mostly without glasses. It felt difficult to imagine seeing it all with perfect clarity and focus naturally, when this is not something that I have any memories of.

One of the things that is difficult to balance for me is having different eye routines without them becoming laws or strict to-do-list because I know that such tension will not bring relaxation to my eyes. I am also still struggling to engage with the eye chart. Despite our professors saying that it is one of the most important tools for eyesight improvement and relaxation, I am not feeling any draw towards it, and don't really spend significant amounts of time with it (I have a few copies of them plastered in areas where I pass by and can occasionally glance towards).

I know that I don't always feel like that. There genuinely are sunny beautiful days when it seems I am so close to 'mastering it', as everything looks so vivid and clear. I am grateful that every time I feel a little down with the process, I have an opportunity to connect with all my fellow students and professors face to face. It is always such a great support and a boost to my motivation to continue with all these new habits even when it feels like the challenge is too big. Let's see what happens at the course this weekend!

Not fun!

Last week wasn’t exactly full of positive highlights in terms of my vision. I was travelling a lot and found moving between airports and train stations without glasses quite stressful. As I am using reduced glasses, putting them on even for brief moments did not really make me feel that much more relaxed.

Things were also quite hectic at work because everyone wanted to finish everything in time for Christmas, so faffing around without glasses or with pinhole glasses just wasn’t really an option the way it is when I work from home. I found the week stressful at times and did not enjoy my vision in the slightest – with or without glasses. Not having them on made me stressed because I couldn’t see things, having the glasses on felt physically straining and left me with red burning eyes at the end of each day.

Not being at home also made me lose track of some of the routines and practices that I would generally follow while at home. I travelled in places with much less sunshine, which meant I stopped doing the sunning exercise and also felt that my vision was less effective in dim light.

Finally, I visited a close friend of mine who recently had a baby, and seeing her caringly watch and observe his tiny scrunched up face made me feel quite resentful and fearful of the imaginary future in which I might not be able to do the same without glasses when we have a baby.

All in all not a great week vision-wise, but I look forward to having more space and time to relax and feel more positive about this over the Christmas break.

Shifting with joy

Last weekend was amazing. It's very inspiring and uplifting to not do this alone, and having the opportunity to meet with all the coursemates really helps. My favourite part, however, was Sunday morning outside, near the Palacio Royal. It was very cold but sunny, and we started the morning by doing the sunning exercise. What followed was my favourite activity so far - shifting. It involved slowly walking in couples and one acting as a guide while the other had all the time to enjoy gentle tracing with the eyes, nose and head every object that would catch the eye, without any need to constantly look down (which is something that people with eye problems tend to do too much of).

I absolutely loved it because for the first time in as long as I can remember I actually experienced a complete joy in seeing exactly just how I can see without any desire for anything to look different or be clearer. First of all it creates a feeling of ease - while trying to see with clarity causes tension, tracing objects (big and small, far and near, familiar and not) is simple. Therefore, it immediately creates an 'I can do this' attitude. It also makes me aware of just how many things there are that I can see - some of which might be blurry, but colourful, of a certain shape and size, and all very very interesting. I also like how that attitude of being interested in something actually makes me want to look for the next interesting object as well as become more aware of potentially interesting objects in my vision field. The movement of the head and nose as they follow the eyes creates a certain looseness in my neck and shoulders. The eyes and gaze feel soft, and it becomes very easy to have the attitude of a lazy person sitting in the back of the room and looking into the world through the windows. I noticed that since Sunday I hardly ever look to the ground which used to be my default staring position - instead now I seem to be always surrounded by interesting things to look at above and around me. And just as a side affect it appears that the vision temporarily becomes sharper as well. Let's keep shifting! 

Blurry life

I was feeling a little down in the last few days. Our puppy was feeling unwell, and it made me very worried.

Some interesting shadow aspects came up a couple of nights ago about close people in my life being unwell and "threatening" leaving from my life. Thank goodness, for Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) to dive into and out of nights like these.

I continue with some of the practices although I keep feeling that I should do more. It is a fine balance for my perfectionist self to be diligent and do the necessary work but also to not stress over things not being perfect. Sometimes it feels like I can already see changes and then this whole idea appears to be so effortless and simple. But then all it takes is evening light and some unfamiliar text or faces on the street, and everything feels like a mammoth and impossible task!

Not seeing faces is the biggest challenge and the saddest part about blurry vision. I don´t mind missing a few hundreds of ads on the streets but not seeing faces makes me feel very lonely and disconnected. I have no way of knowing that passing me by is someone I might know, nor be able to catch a friendly stranger´s smile in the metro. The world just feels murky and closed off to possibilities of accidental meaningful glances or small treasures that can be found on the ground. It seems that the best vision "happens" when I get to the limit of frustration and give up trying to do anything. Thankfully, I have the course this weekend again with the whole group. I hope it will be a motivating and inspiring end to the year.